International Committee of ‘Cool Shit NOW’ elects Jonathan Ives as CEO
‘Cool Shit’. Previously the murky domain of the brand marketers who employed the traditional arts of electro-convulsion therapy and drug-induced seizures in the 60’s to understand our humanistic need for slightly-differently-fragranced deodorant in neon-blue packaging; it has now admitted the existence of its formal organisation, head-quartered in a volcano lair off the coast of Chile.
“That’s right motherfuckers,” said out-going CEO Pharrell Willams, “we’ve controlled your ape-like brains. For the last 50 years we have been deciding what is officially ‘cool shit NOW’ and then through an internationally coordinated process of ‘oh so not cool this season’ and ‘this is now so cool’, we got you to stimulate the world economy and our collective prostate by buying stuff you never knew you realised you needed but it made you feel complete inside, while we sat on our big-ass fucking thrones working out how to destroy the Moon. Wait. Sorry. Did I say too much? BAPE JETPACK! LAUNCH!!!”
While until recently it was a simple affair of taking what was cool 20 years ago and repackaging it in a meta-ironic manner in bright-pink, with the resurrection of Apple with Steve Jobs at the helm, things were forced to take a more formal, structured, matt-white approach.
Jobs admitted he was the puppet-master behind the scenes for many years and now will further control ‘what is cool’ across the globe via his Cobra Commander-like henchman, Jonny ‘I’m English therefore ein styleübermensch’ Ives.
“Bitches. Listen. I granted ‘gloss white’ a cool mandate from 2003 to 2004. Black became cool from 2004 to 2005. White was cool again from 2005 to 06 but in matt and bright primary colours were in for a short period while I was on LSD. I then decided brushed chrome was the finish for a new generation, and then gloss white came back in the 08 because I said so. I declared that MMS and Copy-Paste were COOL SHIT last year and now video-calling is officially ‘totally off the hook’. It was never cool before I allowed it to be. Do you understand? NEVER COOL BEFORE I SAID SO.”
Apple fanboys slack-jawed, constant semi-priapic mumblings of ‘cool, not cool, white, gloss-black, white-black, face time, black face, brrllrlere, must upgrade, iOS, blguguugug, global hypercolour, blurgggg, kill all darkies’, is now clearly a product of a wider global-conspiracy rather than a simple mental deficiency as previously thought.
Finally Jobs admitted there is a monthly MPC-like meeting where he meets with 10 other ‘Heads of Cool Shit’ and just ignores what they suggest and punches one or two of them in the face Kade-style.