The Road to Partition: 2011
Welcome humans. (and employees of Google Inc).
To celebrate the impending priapic launch of TechChuff 3.1 in the next few weeks, we thought we’d kick off 2012 with a review of the much shitter 2011. While most of you drones spent the year going about your day-to-day DULLNESS of real-life GRINDING while contributing to society and creating value, we did pretty much nothing. Roughly 1 blog post, maybe 30 tweets and a couple of fancy but inappropriate gestures to children.
In all, a success.
But from our space-station orbiting Earth what did we observe as the key victories for the human race last year in the field of TECHNOLOGY AND ANIMATED GIFS? Apart from further mobile internet penetration in developing countries and increased investment in technology ventures in the West despite worsening global economic conditions? APART FROM THAT?!
WE GOT LOADS.
How are we only getting around to abusing this now? While in 2009 we predicted that the Top 10 list would become the currency of the internet – we were wrong. So now we are finally getting our mighty oar out of our pants and slapping it vigorously upon this Etch-a-Sketch medium for the innumerate.
Are you a designer or content producer who thinks their audience are mainly 3 year old children with mono-vision?
Working for an incompetent SEO agency needing barely-relevant linkbait about celebrity bra-sizes for your toilet U-bend retailer client?
Are you yourself an unemployable geography graduate and can only understand and express relative and absolute numbers with lego block pictures and inappropriately selected chart types?
Do want to present numbers in a clearer way but want to do it in a way so ineptly you actually make it harder to understand?
BREAK OUT THE PIE CHARTS – IT’S INFORGIVEABLEGRAPH TIME!
Read. That. Shit. Never. Basically the EU butter mountain but made up of top 10 lists.
In the future, anthropology students will uncover the remains of Amazon’s EC2 server farm in Antartica (like that bit in Alien vs Predator) and decide that back in 2011 most of the ‘youth’ were GOING BACK IN TIME to the 1960′s as time tourists, taking endless filtered photos of food and shoes and archiving them for no-one’s pleasure.
Of course in the 60′s the world was lomo-fi filtered to start with.
Take two drops of a vapid celebrity, add three drops of retail flash-sales with a subscription service and a few dashes of either Uzbeki slave labour or inept local merchants and what do you get? That’s right – the ROAD TO ECONOMIC RECOVERY.
However we were sad not to see Charles Manson working with Rosie Huntington-Whitely and BeachMint to start up DeadDogFaceByPostMint; a unique subscription service offering stylish rotting dead dog faces designed by Rosie H-W for just $29.99 a month and totally and utterly UNSUBSCRIBABLE FROM.
Lol. Click. Lol. Click. Lol. Click. Cry. Click. Ponder. Click. Lol. Click. Pick up gun. Click. Shoot self in face.
6. TechChuff.com. This pitiful excuse for a blog only highlight of the year was getting invited to Buckingham Palace with Mike Butcher of TechCrunch to meet the Queen. It was breathtaking and just a taste of what 2012 will hold for TechChuff Holdings and Petrochemical Refineries Inc. Read it HERE