Sky Announce 3D Televisions by Year End. Big-Nosed Celebs and Porn Stars Panic.

Sky have announced that they will start trialing 3D television technology by the end of 2009. Their proposed technology options include using two TVs side by side with one painted red and one blue, broadcasting shows as Magic Eye images, and the obvious solution of a cardboard box made to look like a TV but with a small man inside with hand puppets acting out the news and latest soap operas.

Holy Shit! It's like The Ring! It's coming out of the screen for me!

Holy Shit! It's like The Ring! It's coming out of the screen for me!

“We want to move away from people using these stupid 3D glasses in their own homes. We are looking at these more innovative solutions for creating that sense of depth and realism when watching Jeremy Kyle. Believing those toothless in-bred chavs are actually in your sitting room punching each other in the face is our goal for 2009. We want you to feel them. Smell them. Be them. “

However this excursion into 3D has not been met with open arms by all people. As usual the Hollywood elite are petrified given the move to HD meant that coke-encrusted nostrils, nipple slips and bodged facelifts were exposed at 1080p definition for all to screencap.  With 3D this means that proboscidially-challenged movie stars such as Jason Biggs, Sarah Jessica-Parker, Luke Wilson, Adrian Brody and Pinocchio all risk alienating their fanbase through the fear of their eyes being gouged out by giant 3D hooters.

“I’m a big fan of Luke Wilson. I mean Luke Wilson playing himself in every film is genius. He set the stage for people like Seth Rogan to play Seth Rogan in all his films as well. But I’m terrified of seeing him in 3D. That fucked up nose, 2 foot high, lurching out of the screen trying to snort me up? Fuck that man. That’s like the Alien’s inner mouth coming to punch a hole in your skull. Gross.”

Additionally the adult movie industry, who previous embraced technology to distribute their oeuvre, are equally cautious in their reception to the new 3D televisions for similar reasons. Vivid Entertainments spokeswoman Jenna Jameson stated:

“To be honest our biggest fear is injuries.  We’ve done some tests and we’ve had people diving behind their sofas to get out of the way of certain of our stars’ ‘assets’. Most films just use the 3D effect to have things popping out of the screen into your face.  That use of technology might be a step too far for us.  It’s a big change to be honest. It might be too hard for some people to take.”

That’s what she said.  Daily Mail psychologists have also warned us that 3D televisions might cause widespread mental health issues as people struggle to tell the difference between reality and a 2 hour movie about giant robots beating each other up but we ignored their stupid faces as usual.

Finally we want to remind you of TechChuff’s commitment to being at the cutting edge of technology. Our next article will be presented in full 3D allowing you to enjoy that wonderful sensation of depth and parallax of the serif fonts against white background in the comfort of your own home.

About Head Chuff

Connect with me on Google+

More Posts (64)

Related Posts

chavs, computers, hd, porn, sky, tvNo Comment

Leave a comment