Daimler Takes Stake in Electric Radio-Controlled Car Company

News has hitting the wire all day with the speed and accuracy of blindfolded chimps throwing shit at each other. What is the news you ask? The news that Daimler-Benz has invested in Tesla, the manufacturer of revolutionary hi-speed electric cars exclusively bought by Web 2.0  millionaire CEO’s trying to impress environmentally-concerned hotties in the Bay-area.

I have sex with my car. It's that freaking hot.

I have sex with my car. It's that freaking hot.

Is this news? No. The real news is that in actuality Daimler-Benz ended up buying the toy radio-controlled car company Tamiya for $50m instead.

Daimlar’s spokemensche Herr Von Winkelwurst stated in an embarrassed press-conference dressed as an erotic gnome (a German tradition in such situations):

“Zis is fucking bullshit ja. Ve bought zis fucking Tesla, woop-di-do electric car save-ze-world bullshit, becauz we are fucked ourselves und ve have no idea vat to do. I zee all zees celebrity Internet CEO’s driving zis very super-cool-ja orange electric sportscar, it looks just like ze Lotus Elise so like very cool-ja, und saying they are ze pioneers of ze future. Ve buy zis stupid company und ve go to ze factory and then we discover ze cars ARE VERY VERY SMALL. LIKE ZEY ARE TOY CARS. Ze CEO just says that ze cars are far away und we should not be zo vorried. So I believe him.”

Stupid German. A day later Daimlar were shocked to discover that ‘Tesla’ was in fact a shell company for the production of 1:32 scale radio-controlled cars for children and man-children alike, and they had been duped by sexy photos of an tiny orange Lotus Elise with a scale-model of a millionaire CEO looking smug and environmentally-concerned behind the wheel.

Tesla spokesperson, Nikola Tesla, was quick to respond:

“Have you ever eaten cheese? Like real cheese? Like a big block of ripe Taleggio, really stinky, and you’re just stuffing it in your gob, trying to eat it all in one go, you’re choking on it and it’s smeared all over your face? In theory a great idea, right? In reality it’s just horrible. I did it once – trust me. Anyway, that’s just like our electric car.   I’m about selling the cheese dream. Making it a reality is someone elses job”

Tesla revealed that once Daimlar signalled interest they instantly shit their pants as they realised they needed a real business and product to sell. They quickly doctored contracts and stationery and by the close of the deal Daimler had managed to buy Tamiya the Japanese manufacturer of electric scale model cars instead, with the capability of making millions of really small, whiney electric-motors and 7-min battery packs for their consumer automobile lines.

Ouch. In other news, TechChuff can confirm rumors that we do like cheese. So please send us some.

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