Sony to Sell Albums Online on 78rpm Gramophone Disk to Combat Piracy.
Sony, whose relentless ability to be the ‘shitty difficult child at any party’, have just announced their cack-fisted re-entry into online music distribution. With DRM and copy-protection somehow still high on Sony’s radar, they have made a bold decision to sell tracks for 50p each, but only on 78rpm shellac disks.
“The market is ready for such a move. Artists and record label want to make sure we are compensated for our work, like Mike Tyson’s new spoken-word album, and this darn music piracy is killing us and our gold-plated Learjet habit. Download our illogically-designed music application, select a track and then buy music with just fourteen clicks. Two weeks later we will deliver you the wax disk (or phonographic cylinder) and a swift punch in the kidney.”
Techchuff is still holding down Engadget’s huge boner over rumours that Sony will be releasing shiny phonograph-compatible hardware as well, starting with a wheelbarrow-sized Walkman. Engadget editor, Ryan Block, was priarpic with new-form-factor horn:
“LIKE OMG, like this thing is basically like 4 pizza boxes stapled together with a tow-rope to attach to your car. It weighs nearly 10kg AND it has a SWEET 4.3″ OLED screen. FUCKING OLED! Colours on it are so freaking awesome. You can almost smell them. UNBOXING VID!!!! GOTTA GO!!!”
Right. Sony also are to announce super-duper-hi-def audio format which is basically a player-pianola with the tracks ‘re-encoded’ onto perforated metal music rolls. ‘Crank that’ will be the first track available on this format for any Sony fanboy idiots still with no shame.
Sony’s next launch of live organ-grinding performances in your office to compete with Spotify, remain unconfirmed