CTU Analyst Fired for Only Doing Real Stuff with Computers.
Today the fictional US Counter Terrorist Unit fired John Wyllie, a newly hired analyst, for only really being able to use Excel.
John Wyllie admitted he was extremely good with spreadsheets, could somewhat program in PHP and C++ and had used Google Analytics once but was faced on his first day with list of tasks which seemed to be a series of technical words in the wrong order.
“I know there was another crisis which could destroy the free world in America but I was told to breach the main firewall, transfer things to people’s screens, data-mine parameters, upload co-ordinates to phones, slip through sub-nets and enhance the resolution. They weren’t more specific than that. What was I meant to do – I’m not really sure if you can do any of these things”
Instead John used his initiative and cleared 20 gigs of illegal mp3s from CTU’s shared server, set up a intranet page for the Squash league and built a sophisticated Excel model to forecast counter-terrorism spend for the next 12 months.
However this was deemed unacceptable behaviour by CTU director, Bill Buchanan:
“We have men in the field right now. We are being hacked by Arabs and other non-white people everyday. Today we are using mobile phones to triangulate the position of fighter jets while you civilians eat donuts and get fat. We can download blueprints of every building in continental America to your Nintendo DS. We need our parameters uploading and bandwidth to be data-mined for viruses. I need my datapoints red-tagged, security fences erected, and user ids pulled DIRECTLY from the mainframe terminal. Do you know what I’m saying? NASA. Robot dogs. Toasters with mp3 players and data-driven marketing. “
While CTU’s analyst recruitment drive has be halted due to lack of graduate level talent, openings for borderline psychotic field agents who can get information out of you using either a biro in the ear or a Glock 19 pressed into your gunshot wound are being advertised on Monster.com today.