“Everything Old is Dead”, Declares Entire Internet
The music industry. Dead. Traditional journalism. Deader. You’ve Been Framed. DEADEST.
The murderer? The Internet.
In shocking admission the Internet has admitted that everything that it considers to be ‘old’ and ‘antiquated’ in the eyes of a 16-year old geek from Telford, will be dead by the end of the year. Not just content with killing the Walkman, the wrist-watch, books, spelling, the Filofax and your hot personal-assistant now buried under some permafrost near M40, the Internet has vowed to continue this technological killing spree with gay murdery abandon.
“What’s next?’, said the representative for the Internet, an anonymous comment troll, “EVERYTHING. The Internet is going to render talking, eating, pooing and even weeing dead. You can’t stop the robotic march of progress. Those trousers you are wearing will be yesterday’s technology in days. DAYS!! We’ve replaced dogs with AIBO’s and we’ll replace that innate sense of family love and joy you have at Christmas with a piece of crafty PHP-coding and great UX design work. Nothing is safe.”
Rumours are still abound that Index Ventures is backing a new start-up which promises to replace ‘the need to do stuff with your actual hands and brain‘ with a web form and some API’s. These include making pottery, learning to tango and touching yourself. All quickly and easily serviced by the power of the cloud, TCP/IP, Mashable and the relentlessly egotastic drive to build marginal shit by geeks around the world.
The 16-year old from Telford gave us a final comment:
“Cows. Fuck’em. I ain’t seen one in real life. There needs to be an app for that”.