Internets to the Rescue! Man Impales Face on Shovel and Gets Help from Yahoo! Answers!
Tom Johnson was found dead in his shed today after falling from a chair and landing face first onto a propped up shovel. However it has turned out that the Internet played a significant part in this incident and proved that ‘the wisdom of the crowd’ can truly make a difference.
Police investigators discovered that he not only initially survived the impact, but had his trusty iPhone to hand and quickly discovered his unsecured wireless network extended to the bottom of the garden. He immediately read the LifeHacker guide to nerd survival, logged into Yahoo! Answers and posted the following question:
“What are the chances of surviving a massive head trauma?’
“I’ve just fallen off a chair and managed to get a spade lodged into my face. I think I may have broken my face. And my brain. I did get pretty wasted last night but I guess this pain might not just be a hangover. Anyway I’ve heard these sort of injuries can be fatal – is it bad to just pass out?”
At first the answers he got ranged from aromatherapy remedies, old wives’ tales about tuna-paste tinctures with peanut butter compresses and jokes about if his name was ‘Doug’ and whether if he got the spade out of his head he’d be called ‘Douglas’.
After having to discount such helpful advice like ‘just walk it off you pussy’ and ‘man – i did that in 2nd grade, i’ve got this totally gnarly scar on my face. Wait, actually I was in a coma for 6 months‘, he struggled past massive blood loss and awarded the best answer to dancer4Life who earned 34 points for:
“I’m calling the ambulance right now”
Yahoo unfortunately deducted the points later as they claimed this was an actual solution to his problem rather than an anonymous off-the-cuff response to an internet-obsessed neurotic suffering from a random thigh rash. Tom was later found dead in the shed, one hand grasping his iPhone, the other a tub of crunchy Peanut Butter.
We at TechChuff celebrate such acts of crowd wisdomliness and truly believe we can leverage the plebeian hive-mind through the Internet for something useful. Whether that is just captioning cats who don’t understand grammar or rating people’s poo-poos, we still believe one day the crowd will be wiser than one of its parts. Until then we are off to join the queue to withdraw all our savings from the bank and then loot some shops. You know, just in case…