Mother Spends Almost as Much Time Looking after Baby as She Does Discussing it on Internet
Fabulous mother of 1, full-time mother and surprisingly beautiful mother of beautiful child, Jane McPhee 35, admitted today that she’d spent so much time on the internet talking about her fabulously beautiful child, she’d forgotten where she’d put it.
Frequenter of such online community sites such as mumsnet, mumzone, netmums and milfhunter, Jane pioneered the use of the Web to help other mums relentlessly talk about their own children online.
“We are no longer in your local Starbucks all day talking about poo colour, child yoga and the PSI of the Bugaboo pushchair’s front tires. Oh no. We needed to bring these conversations online and like hell I did. I need to know if I’m allowed to feed my child premium-grade fois gras at the age of 2. I need to know whether my child’s skull size relates to their chance of being a teen polymath or X-Factor finalist. I need to ask the question: ‘Will tap water give my child autism?’ Where else can I get this information from? A doctor? A book? My own brain? No way.”
This rise in mothers blathering online about their ugly children and how ‘it’s just a phase’ has been a boon for these sites specialising in maternal topics. Mumsnet’s spokesperson was overjoyed at their growing and flourishing community:
“Why should a mother’s time be spent looking after her own children with her own hands, when these hands could be typing long and rambling forum posts about catchment areas for primary schools and infant scuba-diving. These people are heroes and their content is making me rich. I don’t care what they write so long as they keep coming back, reading it and clicking on my ads for Mothercare, Nestle, and the Republican party. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve even seen a real baby.”
Jackpot. TechChuff loves such heart-warming tales of capitalistic opportunism and motherly love. Jane spent so long writing to us about her experiences online, we actually forgot about the fact she’d lost her baby in the house somewhere. So before we forget again: “BABY REMAINS UNFOUND IN HOUSE OF DEATH” or something.