Scrap ICT in favour of Zuckerberg lessons, says Gove
Education secretary Michael Gove yesterday announced plans to scrap ‘boring’ ICT lessons in favour of a curriculum teaching children to be emotionally withdrawn social outcasts.
Gove said current ICT classes are ‘harmful and dull’, adding that ‘we’re never going to create a technologically advanced race of super-humans by spending seven years teaching kids how to use WordArt.’
The current curriculum will be replaced with so-called ‘Zuckerberg lessons’, teaching children how to emulate the dull-eyed social networking zillionaire by scratching formulae into window panes, alienating friends and coding late into the night without stopping for toilet breaks.
The move comes just months after the Government announced plans to turn part of the Olympics site into the ‘digital capital of Europe’.
‘Tech City isn’t enough,’ said Gove. ‘Where is Britain’s answer to Farmville? Eh? Basically, until literally everyone in the country is pathologically afraid of making eye contact with anyone except their mums, and at least 73% have two or more bottles of their own urine stashed under their bed, there is little chance we’ll come up with anything as innovative or engaging as the idea of gifting digital sheep.
‘And it’s not like they won’t be able to get girls, either,’ he added. ‘I mean, look at Zuckerberg. His girlfriend is a reet stunner. If anything, the UK’s population will become unbelievably hot.’