Yahoo To Unveil Relaunch As ‘Online Web Site’

Search Business. Technology Company. Directory. News Aggregator. Lifestyle Portal. Media Owner. Badly Run Web 1.0 Dinosaur. Dissent Blogger Killer. Some of the things Yahoo has strove to identify themselves as, and almost failed every time. Despite having one or two Chinese bloggers condemned to 10 years hard labour in a Changzhou concrete factory and let Jerry Yang run the company like a KFC, for years Yahoo have been torn asunder about what their true mission and purpose is.

CEO of Yahoo by Day. Pantomine Dame by night.

CEO of Yahoo by Day. Pantomime Dame by night.

Now with Wonder Woman ‘Carol Bartz’ clad head-to-toe in purple Spandex, grasping her Sword of Gruff Man-Justice in one hand, and her Palin-esqe Folksy Spunk all over the other; Yahoo are ready to strip their clothes off, bend over, and bare their violet soul to the public and Wall Street in a move that Larry Page can only describe as ‘a bit icky, mommy’.

Taking time out from playing Widow Twanky at a local theatre, Carol Bartz was rabidly incoherent about her relaunch of Yahoo:

“Let Google win the Search. Let Microsoft make the money. We are going back to our true roots and winning that battle to be a plain old, all-American ‘Web Site’. We have a home page. We have some cool spinning gifs. We have links to pages. That in my book makes us a ‘Web Site’. I paid McKinsey $10m to come in and paint this wonderful picture in beautiful PowerPoint about the future and ‘Web Sites’ were there. So were these flying robot unicorns and they make me smile’.

When asked whether this was probably nothing new, Carol Bartz showed her true colours and the size of her iron fist:

“You little shit. How about I rip your heart out and feed it to your kids? Huh punk? You want me to reach over there, put my hand down your throat, pull your heart out and show it to you? I’ve seen Temple of Doom. I know how it’s done. I did it to my old CFO Blake Jorgensen. He’s dead now.”

Eek. While Yahoo’s new homepage is clearly the beginning in their strategy going ‘back to basics’ and becoming a ‘web site’, we are still waiting for Phase 2 where it’s replaced by Carol Bartz’s personal homepage of pictures, poems and ways to kill your board members, all beautifully designed in FrontPage with lots of that sweet 3D clipart.

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