Craig Admits Every Item on Craigslist Involves ‘Erotic Services’.
Craig Newmark.org , the allegedly money-phobic creator of the eponymous classifieds giant Craigslist, admitted today that every listing in every section across the site involves the sale of some bizarre erotic service or ‘discrete adult fun’.
Despite there being standalone areas for dating and erotic services, it has emerged that every item listed on Craigslist is actually a covert advert for some kind of marginal deviancy. Craig stated:
“I admit it’s true. I’ve discovered that a online classifieds site reflects Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. We tried to make a legitimate business offering ways for people to meet their requirements for shelter, employment and entertainment but it eventually boiled down to just a website to service the horrible base needs of horny people.”
Craigslist soon saw that their basic Man Looking For Woman (M4W), Woman Looking for Man (W4M) and gay versions of both, soon exploded into a pornucopia of perverted permutations as sections including M4MW, MMM4W and even TW4TTMD (Transsexual and Woman looking for two Transsexuals and a Man with a Dog) quickly followed.
Most recently launched was the ‘official’ paid Erotic Services section but this was merely a cover-up for the fact that by now every section across the site would provide you some kind of happy ending; from Sofas in London to Lawnmowers in Chicago. The dictionary of deviant disciplines meant that each normal-looking classified category was doorway to rubber gimps suits and octopus sex for both the willing and unsuspecting.
Fast Furrier transformation.
We interviewed John from New York who discovered to his error that Craigslist was no longer a place to get a free washing machine or broken radio-controlled car:
“It was a horrible mistake. I read I could get a good deal on a 2nd hand bike on Craigslist so I thought I’d try it out. I found one, read the description, I mean it all sounded legitimate. So I arranged to meet this girl to collect the bike and hand over the cash. How wrong I was. She was some kind of leather and fruit fetishist so before I’d realised my mistake she had trussed me up like a chicken, stuck orange in my mouth, and was whipping me with $100 an hour’s worth of fury and thunder. To be honest, I kinda liked it. Now I spend most of my days browsing Craigslist in the Soft Toy and Nursing categories.”
When asked if Craig would be using the huge monetization opportunity associated with such adult services to improve the website he was quick to dispel such crazy rumours.
“Look. This is off the record but I drive a white Maserati on weekdays and a stretched H2 Hummer on the weekends. I get my sealskin suits hand-tailored by Thai boys and I invested most of my Craigslist fortune into military technology and other generally evil shit. This chubby harmless face is a big act and so is my crap website. If you discovered how much money I make a year you’d expect me to spend some of it on User Experience experts and ‘graphics’ and I say fuck that. Craigslist looks crap, it’s a freaking hippy dot org and I look like a Gummi Bear; you’d never suspect that I’d be rolling large with Dre and Fiddy…”
Blimey, we had no idea. TechChuff is off to browse the Farm and Garden section armed with a fist of $50 notes and some rubber gloves. See you next week!