Dragons’ Den’s Theo Paphitis Reveals 90% Stake in TechChuff.com
TechChuff is skipping around the office dressed like a sexy chambermaid after closing a deal with serial entrepreneur Theo Paphitis which will be featured in this week’s Dragons’ Den. The deal involves Theo investing £15 for a 90% stake in TechChuff Industries (a subsidiary of TechChuff Chemicals and Homewares) and will see Theo joining the board in a ‘primarily spanking around Brand Hatch on corporate track days with the rest of the team’ role.
“I invested in TechChuff so I could do a TV commercial for a website thing just like my freaky 8-foot tall boyfriend Peter Jones did for that MoneySupermarket place. Despite what you all say he is not an actual whore. He is just a very tall man looking for the screen time to get that prized role in the sequel to ‘My Giant’.”
TechChuff also can exclusively reveal the feedback received by each of other three Dragons who foolishly failed to invest during the process.
Deborah Meaden was quick to constantly repeat to us during filming that: ‘I just don’t understand your business. I don’t understand what you are saying. I don’t get your model. I don’t get the twist in Sixth Sense. I don’t know where I am. I don’t like cheese. I don’t have any pants on. So I’m afraid that is why I am out”
Our second Dragon to drop out of the process was Scottish psycho Duncan Bannatyne who just muttered:
“You ken me, I’m nae the type of cunt that goes looking for fuckin’ bother, like, but at the end of the day I’m the cunt with a pool cue.”
At this point we began to worry that our pitch involving us spinning around on the floor covered in marmalade had failed to win the Dragon’s over. Could it be that we underestimated the knowledge of the Internet by the Dragons in the room?
Peter Jones was quick to clear this up:
“Look. Just clearly tell me how many megapixels does your internet have? Do you have web ? How will you make a million hits on your counter? It’s pretty simple right – I worked this hard to be this tall and look how freaking tall I turned out. I need to see a return of at least 2 inches and so for that reason I am also out.”
Things looked dire as James Caan was quick to clarify his position in that sexy louche manner of his:
“Did any of you realise I am a brown chap?”
That astonishing news rocked us and sent us into a racial funk until Theo came to the rescue of TechChuff and our staff of 100 whose large expense claims at Hakkasan were all resting on the deal. Everyone here is excited at the prospect of spunking away Theo’s kid’s inheritance on social media experts, Thai boys and display advertising with gay abandon throughout the year.