Confirmed: General Election to be Held Online at SurveyMonkey.com
The extent of government cost-cutting measures has been uncovered after a leaked first draft of the Prime Minister’s Labour Party Conference speech revealed the government plans to hold the 2010 election using popular on-line questionnaire tool, Survey Monkey.
The document was revealed during a conversation between LadyChuff and a senior cabinet member which took place in the piss-soaked stairwell of a Hove tower block late last night, following one of the Conference Fringe’s less well-publicised events.
The minister, who gave his name only as David Miliband said the scheme would see voters rewarded for exercising their hard-won democratic right by also being entered into a ‘hot competition to win twenty quid and a Dell netbook’.
“People today only exercise their preferences by mashing their mobile phone-pad with their dirty fat fingers to vote for X-Factor or ‘Liking’ Facebook statuses. That’s it. The only way we can get people to actually pick their government is to dangle a cheap consumer electronic-shaped carrot in exchange for their vote or use a cattle prod-shaped stick to beat them to a bloody-pulp after we just seize power.”
Dave confided government cost-cutting measures were proposed after chancellor Alistair Darling said he had ‘sort of forgotten’ to factor a £20m election campaign into the pre-Budget report, claiming he thought you could just ‘surrender’ at some point.
As well as local and national ballots, the survey will feature questions on your personal hygiene regime, diet cola-beverage preferences and whether, if you had no choice, you’d rather have sex with Saddam Hussain or eat a poo. Experts have estimated the scheme could cost the British economy as much as £19.99, but Dave said an innovative 2-for-1 Viagra offer which would accompany the survey would help to recoup the losses.
“A survey we did in Witney found over 89% of people who said they had voted for David Cameron also had difficulties getting a really robust, rock-hard erection for up to six months after the election, so we’ll definitely be reaching the right target audience,” he explained.
“Anyway, best be off now. Mummy says I have to be home in time for tea.”
*Discloure: TechChuff are significant financial contributors to the Labour, Tory, LibDem and S Club Parties.