Fat kid ‘likes’ Samsung on Facebook. Billions wiped from share value.
The market reacted badly in response to the news that Simon Ackman, a fat uncool kid in Indiana, ‘liked’ Samsung on Facebook early today. Nearly $2bn was wiped from the mobile phone manufacturer’s value as analysts deemed the brand ‘unviable’ and ‘only for fat kids’.
Samsung’s CEO earlier made this self-flagellatory statement:
“My Social Media tzar burst into my office this morning on his fixed wheel bike, holding a flat-white in one hand and two iPads in the other. After Instagramming his coffee, he told me the astonishing news that some desperately uncool fatty had ‘liked’ us on Facebook. Immediately I assumed it was an awful mistake, that this fat kid had been trying to like ‘Samsonite’ suitcases or something but in fact it was true. I was outraged – our Facebook campaign demographic targeting specifically said ‘ONLY COOL THIN PEOPLE WHO DON’T THINK THEY CAN QUITE AFFORD AN IPHONE’.”
After wiping a tear from his eye as he saw his $40m retirement package slip away, he continued:
“Given this news it was my duty to alert the board and shareholders. I offered to have this child killed like Google have done on previous occasions, but they said no and so we informed the market. Our Social Media Tzar then Instagrammed me crying quietly in the toilet and immediately got 5 likes. ”
Simon was traced to a safe house in Baltimore where he released this statement:
“I do like Samsonite suitcases. But now I’m scared to press the button to express my innermost feelings. ”
James Whitbread, an analyst from Morgan Stanley stated:
“We needed statistically insignificant data points from hip data sources to overreact to. This was a home run. Thanks fatty.”