Ryanair to Rebrand as ‘Fucking Ryanair’, Also to Charge ‘Peasants’ for Real Planes
Ryanair’s CEO Michael O’Fuckface announced that they are spending 50p rebranding their online torture airline to ‘Fucking Ryanair’ so it’s reflects how most people refer to his company.
“You see I’m this insane dwarf. I love the fact our service is cheap and intentionally shit. The more people refer to us as ‘Fucking Ryanair’ the better; whether that’s referring to our shitty service and shitty staff, our shitty attitude to bloggers and our shitty website, our shitty planes and shitty muzak, the shitty ’50 miles from the real place’ airports, the shitty scratchcards, the shitty hidden charges or even my shitty smarmy face.”
Fucking Ryanair also announced the new surcharge to upgrade your flight to a real one. If you fail to tick the checkbox hidden behind the arsenal of surcharges for carhire, online check-in and a pressurized cabin, you will be instead emailed a CD add-on pack for Microsoft Flight Sim 09 covering the route you paid £0 + £50 taxes for.
“I’m embracing this computer shit right. I’m all about being a cheap fucker. How am I to know if my cuntstomers want a real flight or not unless they tick the box and pay the £100 extra? Maybe they do want to fly a virtual A330 from Stansted to Girona on their PC. Maybe they don’t want a real holiday. We only discovered by charging for check-in luggage that most people are happy taking one pair of flip-flops and a pair of shorts for their 2 week winter break to Norway. You see by charging for the essentials we can test people’s threshold for hernia-inducing inconvenience and pain. If people want a flight this cheap, I’ll make them hate themselves for it.”
Fucking Ryanair also disclosed they would only be serving pints of Ex-Lax laxative drink on the flight and locking the toilets “just to watch you bastards squirm”.
We at TechChuff sometimes think that maybe it’s not too bad? I mean, you can book it online, it’s a cheap flight, it’s only a short journey, the yellow isn’t that garish and maybe we’ll use it next summer to go to Italy but then we remembered we were human beings and HAD SOME DIGNITY YOU BASTARDS.