Microsoft Pay Users Not to Use Their Own Computers

Microsoft’s war with Google in the battle for the online search market has taken a drastic and bizarre turn. Just 7 months ago Microsoft launched ‘Live Cashback’,  an initiative to get people using their much maligned and frankly rubbish Live.com search engine.  They offered rebates on products people bought after clicking on the sponsored search results; products like that $1000 camera I was going to buy anyway and I normally use Google because it actually works but this time I thought “Well if Microsoft are going to give me free money to bribe me then I’ll use their terrible search engine just this once”.

...will be this big after I've finished with Larry Page

...will be this big after I've finished with Larry Page

After 8 months of circular data analysis which proved that these people who searched on Live.com only did so to get cashback, and that Live.com is still a piece of crap and actually Google still has 70% of the search market, Microsoft stunned analysts and announced the new Microsoft Live “ComputerOffMoneyGive” program.

Steve Ballmer this afternoon got up on stage at the latest Microsoft conference, dripping in sweat like he’d been wrestling bears (potentially either hairy men or actual bears or both), and announced,

“We are going to fucking crush Google. I will see them driven before me and I will hear the lamentation of their women. Marissa Mayer – that means you. My one goal is to win the search market no matter the cost.  So what I couldn’t bribe people to use my search engine. Fuck you. This time we’re going to pay users to not use their computers. That’s right, I’m going to break Google’s grip on the internet by breaking their grip on people’s mouses. I’ll break Larry Page’s thin weedy arm while I’m at it”

Details of this new scheme remain sketchy but it seems that if you sign up to ‘ComputerOffMoneyGive’, Microsoft will give you $50 a day in return for you not using your computer. Also they will also send you an old volume from Encyclopedia Britannica, some paper and envelopes and a big pile of bizarre pornography.

“You don’t need a computer to live in the modern world. You don’t need a computer and you damn don’t need Google. Those bastards killed my mother! They killed my father, they killed my people! And they took my father’s sword…”

We had to interrupt him at this point as we felt scared and then asked how this program would affect his Windows, MSN, Office and other ‘computer’ based products.  Ballmer spontaneously sweated some more and said,

“Do I look like I care? This will fuck Apple too. I’m willing to cut my entire face off to spite my face. Anyway we still have the Zune to prop up ’09 revenues so grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!”

Blimey. Eric Schmidt at Google replied from his giant gold plated throne early today,

“Ballmer is a fat stupid bastard.”

We at TechChuff will be turning our computers off this weekend to earn the $100 to cover our prescription drug habit and having to rent Conan The Barbarian again to see if Ballmer was really just quoting Arnie lines at us.

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Comments To This Entry
  1. You call this an article. Just another closed minded rant from somone who likes to pick on those who more successful, richer, better looking, nicer, or whatever then he is. Dude you are not Bill Maher so stop trying to write like him. You act like Google doesn’t try to make money and of all things by shoving ads in our faces – how is that respectful? I’m tired of hypocracy of like this.

    Christian Thilmany on January 26, 2009 Reply
  2. Hey Christian,

    This is Steve. Get back in my office and make me some toast.

    HeadChuff on January 26, 2009 Reply
  3. Speaking of Bill Maher, I’m 90% sure that his face is actually made out of a space-age latex/sponge composite.

    JS on January 27, 2009 Reply

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