‘Rockstar’ Developer Can’t Play Drums but Still Fired for Heroin-Fueled Orgy.
Senior HR directors at Netflix were left confused when their hiring policy of ‘only recruiting rockstars’ backfired horribly this week.
Lead PHP developer, Jim Bean was found near death after his proclaimed ‘rockstar’ developer mantle overtook his mild-mannered sensibilities and resulted in an 18hr heroin and Mountain-Dew orgy of destruction. Remains of Hello Kitty furry costumes, 1 litre tubs of hummus and female Storm-Trooper outfits found in the office, suggest the orgy was even sexual in nature.
CEO of Netflix, Reed Hastings stated today from a hot-tub full of 16 year old Web 2.0 groupies:
“WE ONLY HIRE ROCKSTARS. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING? ROCKSTAR CONTRIBUTORS. ROCKSTAR BEHAVIOURS. YOU HEAR ME? Straight A-Players. Ballers. Shot-callers. Big boys with big dicks. No pussies saying ‘I’m pretty good at Excel’. Fuck no. YOU CAN’T BE ME I’M A ROCK STAR. I’M RHYMING ON TOP OF A COP CAR. All that and more. Go big or go home bitches. That’s how we roll here at Netflix.”
Recently TechChuff-sponsored scientific research has proven such wordage has given developers the wrong idea about their role within a company. Many feel that they can now throw their 30″ Apple Cinema Displays out of the window every time Twitter goes down, demand only blue M&Ms for lunch and mince around the office dressed up like Vince Neil from Motley Crue snorting ants from the pavement and biting bats heads off between site releases.
Rumours that Eddie Van Halen will recruited as the new CTO of Sun Microsystems and learn basic Java during the day while doing lines of coke off Thai hookers by night remain firmly true.