State-Run Ad-Network to Buy Products on Your Behalf.
While the usual remark about how in Soviet Russia ‘the online bargains BUY YOU’ would be passé and clichéd, news that the UK government will be working with Microsoft to deliver a state-run advertising network comes as a strangely erotic surprise.
With behavioural and contextual ad-targeting all the rage, the ability to demographically hyper-target white-supremacist, Ugly Betty fans on Facebook allows advertisers to present their wares to a perfectly grapefruit-segmented audience. Yet the Government have decided this is still not efficient enough to satisfy the priapic economist in Gordon Brown and now have decided just to buy the shit for you.
Researchers at Microsoft have now claimed to have perfected a ‘really fucking badass’ segmentation model, so accurate that they can actually stop advertising the products to you and instead have the ‘predicted optimal consumer purchase’ just delivered to your re-mortgaged flat at the correct point in your buying cycle.
“Why should advertisers have to rely on response rates? Why should they rely on your soft, spongy, unreliable brain to actually make decisions? Why can’t the Government just dock your pay and buy you ‘all that shit you want’ and ‘all the shit we know you want’. You see, we are 99% sure that as a 28 year old male living in North West London, you are a jam-making, electropop-loving, mo-vembering Guardian reader with a long-lingering obsession with video games from your wasted childhood. You aren’t unique. There are nearly 100,000 identical drones in your segment to whom all will be delivered two cases of Beck Vier and a PS3 with a copy of Modern Warfare 2 precisely 1.3 weeks after launch”.
Clearly with state-intervention, the industries of ‘pointless shiny new electronic gadgets’ and ‘barely-different-from-last-season leather shoes’ will see rapid explosion. No longer will brand marketeers face the risk of a consumer having the classic ‘WTF reality-check’ just before clicking ‘Buy It Now’, or remembering they still haven’t paid back their mate last month for that AWESOME stag-do in Estonia and therefore wasting £150 on new pair of noise-cancelling headphones would be moronic folly.
TechChuff applauds such initiative and can’t wait for the mountains and mountains of cheap herbal viagra and fat-burning e-books to just start arriving at TechChuff HQ.