The Chuffington Post: LadyChuff Answers Your Questions.
As the bastardy bastions of the Web, TechChuff has decided to act like a big fat Buddha, all sage-like and full of Chinese food, dispensing advise, sanitary products and a punch in the knackers to anyone asking for it.
Given we spend most of our time debugging PHP and selling spamming opportunities on our distributed zombie bot-farm, oops we mean, cutting-edge behavioural ad-network, we have decided to let LadyChuff out of her cage and answer the mildly-erupting mailbag in the first of many ‘The Chuffington Post’ slots on TechChuff.
Dear Lady Chuff,
We’ve had an amazing idea. A sort of fast-track 140-character messaging system where people who attend Twestival and Jeff Pulver conferences can communicate en masse – a little bit like Facebook, but without the photos of 15 year-old girls trashing their parents homes at coke parties. We’re having trouble coming up with a way of monetising it, though. Can you help?
Messrs. E. Williams, B. Stone aged 12 1/2
Listen, LadyChuff is sorry to be the one to have to inform you of this, but a service which caters almost exclusively to people at tech events complaining about the wifi and search engine marketing experts linking to blog posts entitled ‘5 ways Google can cure impotence’ is not going to attract excitement from advertisers, nor is it going to elicit a positive response if you attempt to charge people to send messages.
The main thing Lady Chuff is having a problem with here, dahlings, is your lack of consideration for the adult market. If you can’t have pictures of 15 year-old girls at coke parties, how are members of the porn industry – and let’s not forget this is the industry which cemented the success of VHS – to post messages featuring photographs of their many assets? How are they to share the visual side of their experiences of modern-art, politics, or hot college girls being jackhammered or reverse-cowgirled? You must have seen Facebook’s move into the market with their launch of ‘The Facebook of Sex’. You need to be ‘The Facebook of The Facebook of Sex’
E and B, Lady Chuff can but offer the following advice: let them post their pervy pictures. Give in to sexy asian babes, passionate Euro sluts, dubious white vans filled with comely brunette wenches and glorious, glorious pussies. Where the porn industry goes, ‘I lost 4lbs of stomach fat’ ads will follow. You’ll be wallowing nude in cash in no time.