Microsoft forced to repeatedly state that Windows 7 “wasn’t an April Fools Joke”
Bill Gates has been spending the last few days touring the country dressed as Pennyworth the Clown in an attempt to show that while he may look and sound like a joke, the much praised and yet-to-be launched Windows 7 definitely isn’t.
For the last few months sweaty-palmed nerds around the world have been able to test the Windows 7 beta for free and therefore encourage a grassroots word-of-month PR campaign under the slogan of “Honesty, it’s not as shit as Vista!”. While most people have slowly turning to the concept that Microsoft have finally made a operating system that won’t make you want to kill yourself after 6 months nor your grandparents every time they call you asking you why the C disk thing has disappeared, certain people in the industry are convinced that Windows 7 is a prank of epic proportions.
“I know April Fools Day has gone and past but I’m convinced this is some kind of meta-umbrella-joke that Microsoft is playing on us. I swear to God I’m terrified that on release day I’ll go down to PC World, fend away some brain-dead spotty teenage sales assistant, buy Windows 7, get home, open the box and find a fucking Vista disk in there with a note saying ‘PUNKD bitches – you’ve got Vista for the next 3 years. Love Steve and Bill. Lick our balls’. That seriously keeps me up at night sweating even more than usual.”
Microsoft have since gone on a PR rampage to counter these concerns, hiring a multitude of advertising agencies, A-List celebrities and Michael Bay to create a bewildering $40 million dollar ad campaign featuring Steve Ballmer, Jerry Seinfeld and Dennis Quaid dressed as gay bionic supersoldiers doing the numa-numa dance. Fallon, the agency involved said:
“We don’t know what the fuck a Microsoft is. We are given money. We make ads that masturbate our ego. We win awards. Then we drink champagne and screw our assistants. To be honest that Cadbury’s gorilla ad was just the beginning for us.”
While common sense tells us that Microsoft are surely far too incompetent and evil to make an operating system which could be ‘almost as good as XP’, we still live in hope that Windows 7 is real and all this effort hasn’t been purely to fuel the endless fanboy wars between vapid Macboys and ‘I’m a PC’ losers.
Steve Ballmer confirmed today that Windows 7 is a joke when he broke down in hysterics at the Microsoft Developer Conference:
“I couldn’t help myself. All these developers with this pathetic look of hope in their beady eyes. That sense of recently-gained pride while clasping their free Windows 7 rucksacks and far-too-small T-shirts. Of course it’s bullshit. We have no plan to make your lives easier. Vista is here to stay. In fact we’ve making it even worse in SP3! Suck on that!”
Disclosure: TechChuff is long on Microsoft and short on money for our recent meth habit.