IBM’s DeepBlue Computer Beats Chess Grand Master in Arm Wrestle. End of World Ensues.
Limp-wristed geeks across the world trembled over the shocking news that Bartosz Socko, the Polish Chess GrandMaster, was defeated by the aging supercomputer Deep Blue in a bar arm-wrestle a few hours ago.
The physical feebleness of chess players, PHP developers and most over-opinionated, ignorantly-arrogant blog commenters is well documented on Wikipedia and demonstrated by their lack of regular appearances on World Strongest Man every Saturday morning on ITV4. However the geek community was rocked by the bizarre failure of 8 stone Socko to beat a big shiny metal box full of old CPUs and IDE cables in this vodka and WD-40 fueled face-off.
The ensuing ramifications for the entire human-race are huge and endlessly newsworthy; for many this means the robot/man tipping point has tipped all the way from science-fiction to hysteria-fact. With this defeat, geeks who once mastered technology with their minds are now being physically ass-handed by immobile pieces of over-priced brushed aluminium nerd trophies.
After this news spread onto the Internet, ‘#theEndOf TheWorld’ was declared by the UN security council based on the trending topics on the Twitter as fearful geeks assumed that their time as the dominant species was to be over:
“I mean I’m smarter than most you plebs. I’m an early adopter right. I have 4 computers and jailbroke my iPhone before you knew what a phone was. I was on Facebook by myself 5 years ago. Now if these machines are taking over the world as my social network is telling me, then they must be destroyed. And if this happens I’ll lose my smug sense of geek superiority and I will be reduced to being your equal; no better than the common street person. I will become the mindless layman once again. My god….”
*Update 2* 16/05/09 (15 minutes later)
The US government have deployed Delta Force operatives and Navy Seals to storm all Apple Stores and Best Buys in an attempt to quell this apparent latest technological revolution. President Obama’s Social Media Defense department stated that based on intel from ‘RSS’, the computers were overthrowing their human overlords and eating their engorged left-side heavy brains.
Armed local militia have been seen patrolling towns with smashed Roombas nailed to crosses declaring an initial victory as burning mounds of dead MacBook Pros begin to fill the streets. All major news outlets have successfully managed to communicate to the populous the key message of using hashtag #omfg_panic during this apocalypse.
*Update 3. 16/05/2009. (30 minutes later).
Shares in Dell and Sony’s AIBO division surged on the unsuprising news that CPU Wars of 2009 had been a ‘slight overreaction’ by the Internet, computers weren’t growing legs and walking around bashing nerd’s heads in and that most people had ended up smashing their laptops to pieces in blind fear and resorted to eating their pets.
TechChuff somehow managed to avoid this whole thing as we were on the toilet, spending our time more wisely doing a poo.