Police Suspect @stephenfry of Being Cult Leader.
Police have put an arrest warrant out for @stephenfry as government officials have declared his Twitter following to be officially a cult.
PC Plod said today:
“The government science man involved gave us the following guidelines for identifying cults. We read this, looked some words up in the dictionary and then acted. Or maybe we acted first and then read this? I can’t remember. Anyway, it states:
1. The leader is a charming, well educated man.
2. He has more than 50,000 people following his every word and utterance.
3. His followers obey his command instantly such as ‘Find me a way of getting rid of this bat in my loft’.
4. Orgies and animal sacrifice.
5. Leader is friends with Hugh Laurie.
We quickly ticked all these boxes for @stephenfry and now we are spending all our efforts, manpower and government funding on bringing him to justice.”
Based on this information, TechChuff is concerned that other such cults therefore exist such as those potentially led by Robert Scoble, Tila Tequilla and President Barack Obama. When asked whether action would be taken against these ‘mind perverters’, PC Plod grimaced:
“We have evidence to believe that Robert Scoble is using his Twitter following to replace Google. Instead of him having to search the internet on how to get a splinter out of his toe, he leverages his army of drones to do his dirty work. First it’s asking people for lifehacking tips, next it’s mass suicide.”
We are also extremely concerned this is only one step away from these people being submerged, hairless and naked, in giant pods of jelly with cables attached to the back of their head to be used as human batteries for Robert’s home entertainment system and web servers.
Additionally the Tila Tequilla incident has been under FBI information lock-down for the last year. We were shocked to discover that her compound in Waco, Texas was raided by SWAT teams who killed her and her T-mobile SideKick. Her 1.7m MySpace friends were deemed by the Bush administration to be a national security risk.
We at TechChuff urge you at act prudently before following such causes; you might feel that you need a purpose in life, something to do, something real. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in Robert Scoble’s toe, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to TechChuff. Do you know what I’m talking about? Yes that’s right. Cake.