Top 4 ways to ‘exit BIG’ like we did

Apart from a generally fibrous diet and a cheeky chicken vindaloo the night before, tips about BIG EXITS seem to be all the rage. Therefore we are here today to prostrate ourselves ‘pon the IPO alter to have ourselves disemboweled by Paul Graham, and spill our guts on how to create a company you can sell for millions TODAY. Triple guaranteed or your VC’s money back. So in true Business Insider-’page-view whore’-style, here is a bullet-pointed ranked-ordered list of how to GO BIG YO.

1. I N C E P T I O N

The idea. Sometimes you don’t have the benefit of hindsight or foresight nor even a stack of stolen powerpoint presentations to help you. Sometimes it may seem like you need something that very few people actually have: actual talent.

Not so. There is a difference between BEING good and SOUNDING good. To ‘sound good’ requires just the ability to string some words together and to be vaguely continent. To make your new startup-idea sound good just requires a Twitter account. To generate this new startup-idea just requires a badly-calibrated moral barometer, Google Translate and absolutely no shame.

Hence our first tip for the creatively-bankrupt is to just take whatever someone else is doing and DO IT IN GERMAN. When the potential acquirer walks into the room, you just wave your hands around a lot, thump your wurst on the table, tell them this is SEHR FREAKING TOLL, we are in Europe and if they don’t buy you then you’ll just TAKE the money from them. The Samwer triplets were originally one man. CLONING WORKS.

It was the best of times, it was the wurst of times

It was the best of times, it was the wurst of times

2. AN ENEMY IS A FRIEND YOU NEVER MET APART FROM THAT TIME IN THAT BAR YOU NEVER MENTION TO ANYONE…

or something. Friends in high-places are key. Thus another sure-fire method to sell your idiotic startup is to play the REALLY FOOKING LONG GAME and engineer the trade-sale. Simply preemptively arrange your entire career-path to ensure you have previously worked for the company you are targeting to be acquired by (The Mark). By having made friends with Bob in M&A while at Company X over a pina colada in the Blue Oyster Bar, you can subtly leech from his mind (or the F:\PRESENTATIONS folder on the shared drive) the entire 5 year strategic acquision plan of company X and therefore setup a startup which ticks all the boxes in his bosses’ spongey brains. So long as you’ve got the words ‘synergistic’, ‘emerging markets’ and ‘win-win-win’ in your mission statement, Company X will come running with a priapism the size of the bank loan they are taking out to buy you. WIN WIN WIN BABY! (until Bob gets fired or Aol has to lay off 2000 staff and shut down your business as they realise it was mainly cheese-based.)

3. EMPEROR’S NEW STARTUP / PASS THE POO PARCEL

A lot of people question the value of the companies being IPO’d in today’s technology boom. A 20 billion dollar valuation for a company making 50p a year now but if you put some numbers into the special magical time-machine and project across the next two billion years then maybe it will payback. MAYBE. MAYBE?!? OH GOD PLEASE PAYBACK.

Who cares. Your goal is to BELIEVE the impossible. THEN SELL IT. So long as along the way you’re hyping the fuck out of your business model, claiming the Total Addressable Market of your product is the entire human race and it’s cumulative GDP from year 0, and just 1% of this is MASSSIVE YO! – you’re winning. You aren’t creating value. You are creating the Pavlovian, slobbering investment-lust in the next sucker in the ‘pass the poo parcel’ game. The goal – the IPO. This is when everyone gets rich – including the bank arranging the deal who also owns 1% of your business. That’s everyone apart from the poor suckers buying the stock, who wakes up wondering why he owns 3 shares in a collapsing online gerbil dating site. MAMA!

And if anyone tries to question you, just reply: ‘The ancient Egyptians didn’t know how to structure a term-sheet. That’s why they are all dead. And so will you be’.

4. GET RICH OR DIE TRYING or HOW WE DID IT

Have sex with Adrianne Huffington. SHAZAM BROTHERS WE WON!

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