Is ‘Mario’ Touching YOUR Child Right Now?
A child was taken into care services yesterday after a potential Italian-based internet paedophile ring was discovered by police.
The child known as Child M, a 10 year old who up to now had been thought to enjoy a normal life playing video games and selling unlocked mobile phones at school, was overheard a week ago in his room talking to his friend over the ‘internet’. Today police revealed that statements such as
“I hate fuck*ng Mario.”, “Mario is just too hard these days”, “I won’t touch Luigi, he’s useless”, “I’ve got to save Princess”, were heard by the child’s parents.
The parents correctly panicked and called the police who arrived moments later with an armed response unit and the dog support team. After knocking down the door and tear-gassing the parents, the police were able to seize the child.
PC Plod said: “Statements like this send our paedometer off the scale. We had to act. With guns and dogs. And not a moment too soon. The child has been taken from his family and locked in a facility where our trained counsellors, Catholic priests and gym instructors will pay close attention to him. He is safe now.”
He showed us this paedometer, a new piece of technology developed by the Daily Mail, which he wears around his belt, counting the number of steps it takes to get to the nearest child molester. It resembled an old Game and Watch LCD game with a compass and battery sellotaped to the front but we declined to mention this to him.
‘We are extremely worried about this situation. It seems like this organisation is headed up by two plumbers from Genoa who already seem to have a young girl codenamed ‘Princess Peach’ in their grasp but we are on the case. “
When asked about Project Wikipedophilia, a government initiative to smash all on-line child abuse using “computers and database and internet and some wires”, PC Plod stated:
“We’ll prove paedos have nowhere to run, online or offline. Whether they are a pair of Italian brothers working in the plumbing industry out to touch your kids, or some kind of giant blue molesting hedgehog, with this data we can hit the paedos where it hurts. Their penis.”
Thankfully Child M is safe for now but we at TechChuff feel it’s our responsibility to warn parents out there; right now there is someone, somewhere on the internet, molesting your children. MOLESTING.