Facebook to Make Money Selling Your Data to Your Mom

Facebook’s perpetually 24-year-old founder, Mark Zuckerberg, announced today that they have plans to monetize their enormous user base by selling your private Facebook data to your mum.

Mothers, who are reportedly desperate to keep an endless all-seeing maternal eye on their children FOREVER, have up til now been stumped with how to use the internet as a means to this end.

She loves you

She loves you despite your pregnancy scare last week

Steve Hogan’s mother Martha, said in an exclusive interview today that she has tried desperately to ‘friend’ her son on Facebook with no success.

“Ooh hello there. Yes – I read about Facebook in the Daily Mail a few months ago and was interested to hear that not only were my children being stalked by an army of penis-wielding, bottom-busting sexual predators, but that people can keep tabs on what my son was up to, what he was saying to his friends and photos of him studying at college and playing chess.

I told my daughter, who was shocked and said that her brother was a idle dope-smoking drunk and spent most of his days playing Fifa Soccer and reading Harry Potter stoned. I was shocked. Then I thought if became his ‘friend’ on Facebook – I could see what my son was really up to!”

Steve’s mother’s subtle attempts to make friends with her son failed. She admitted she called herself ‘Mrs Hogan’ rather than ‘Mum’ and that she used a photo from last summer rather than something more recent but to no avail.

Facebook’s new scheme called MomKnowsAll allows your mum, my mum, and even Stifler’s mom, to be sent letters once a week generated by Facebook. The handwritten letter is a summary of your private Facebook mini-feed written in a conversational and folksy manner and signed on your behalf by hungry Indian temps in a windowless, airless basement somewhere on the West Coast.

When asked about privacy concerns, Mark Zuckerberg said that the right of the mother to know how much you are drinking, if you’re eating your 5 a day and whether you’re cheating on that lovely Katie overrides all legal and regulatory laws governing Data Protection across the world.

We at TechChuff will be listening to ‘Mother’ by Danzig and then deleting our Facebook account.

Can you keep them in the dark for life
Can you hide them from the waiting world
Oh mother

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Comments To This Entry
  1. How do you know it’s my mother? and some people’s parents have court orders to stay away, some kids are hiding from they’re shitty parents. Quite frankly it’s not your choice who gets my info.

    Greg on February 5, 2009 Reply
  2. Haha.
    Hope Greg is, erm, being super deadpan ironic.
    If so he’s perhaps doing too good a job…
    *writes furious letter to the daily mail*

    Will on February 6, 2009 Reply
  3. Sorry Greg too late. We sold all your Facebook photos to this lady who claimed to be your mum. she had scabs on her face and a trolley full of coke cans but we told us she was really really honestly your mum,and that quite frankly passes all our security checks.

    HeadChuff on February 6, 2009 Reply

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