Google Ad-Funded HealthCare Proposal Approved by Senate

In a sudden turn of events, Barack Obama’s healthcare reforms have been put on hold and replaced by a bill to move all heathcare services across to an Advertising-funded model, mirroring today’s online startup world.

TechChuff can reveal that initially the proposal was to mirror traditional offline advertising methods by offering patients the option to have ‘sponsored’ operations with surgeons and nurses in F1-esque branded scrubs. For example one suggestion would be to offer all men free labiaplasties but  brought to you in association with GM Motors and Relentless Energy Drinks – NO HALF MEASURES.  Other more inventive options would be to provide free face lifts on the condition you would have a Anchor Butter logo tattooed on your forehead.

So if they sign up here they can either get 100 Farmville Coins or cover their urgent liver transplant?

So if they sign up here they can either get 100 Farmville Coins or cover their urgent liver transplant? Fuck Medicare!

However with brand marketing budgets still tight, the bill was revised to allow Internet Advertising to cover the cost of all procedures across the country.  Our medical correspondent was quick to opine:

“This is fucking wicked. This bill will allow everyday Internet -addicted Americans to get their critical day-to-day gastric bypasses and sphincter-realigning operation for free.”

One option would see you get your lifesaving dermabrasion treatment by completing 5 simple offers online, such as signing up for a 14-day LoveFilm trial and then cancelling it immediately afterwards. Check it!

The next is a  ’Procedure Per Post’ kickback for bloggers. If you promise to write about your corrective bunion treatment on your blog and backlink to the clinic you get it for FREE!  Free straightened big-toes for all Americans!

Finally for more minor procedures such as being involved in a 10-car pile-up or getting cancer from your factory job, the hospital will provide a ‘Care Per Click’ scheme with a on-site computer terminal running their AdSense ads for you to click on. 50 clicks on some big medical keywords and you’ll have your lungs decollapsed in an instant!

TechChuff is also hearing rumours of a Freemium model being trialled already, where the procedure will be free but deliberately botched to leave you dependant on buying branded prescription drugs for the rest of your meaningless life.

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