Jamie Oliver Revealed as Mastermind Behind Last Night’s Gmail Outage
TV golden boy Jamie Oliver is behind bars tossing salad for real after it was revealed he and his merry band of slightly oily teenage chefs were the criminal masterminds behind last night’s Gmail outage outrage.
Jamie Oliver has been rallying against Gmail and other web services in his latest TV series entitled ‘Caucasian Celebrity Chefs Campaign Against Costless Cloud Computing’ where he has been on the road condemning the wide-eyed, slack-jawed, gawping public on their reliance on this new wave of internet services.
“Look me old mucka, this web-app thingy is like the flipping microwave; it’s the bleeding devil’s work. Convenience this. Easy to use that. Fail-safe distributed and encrypted technology my arse. You saw me telling them pram-faces last series to stop relying on ready-meals and takeaways and now I’m asking you geeks to save your stuff on your flipping hard drive. See bish, bash, bosh, on me C drive and job’s a good’un”
Jamie’s TV attempts to scaremonger the general public featured footage of overweight geeks sobbing over their lost Arsene Wenger erotic fan-fiction epic on Google Docs, scoffing down a cold Chicken Pot-Noodle with Jamie standing over in a fatherly fashion glancing at the camera occasionally, mouthing the words “What a fatty – he’s lost his self-dignity, his flipping marbles and all his Word documents in one go.”
However it seems he felt this was not enough and police said the group had apparently been trying to pour bubbling vats of ‘Jools’ favourite beef stew’ over Gmail servers and were disturbed by hungry security guards before they could move on to those powering Google Docs and Dropbox.
His PR team were quick to defend his actions today.
“Oy oy saveloy this is flipping rubbish innit” stated his coincidentally-accented PR agent, “The old bill’s got the wrong boy, yeah? He’s from Essex, he don’t know nothing about this internet malarkey. He just likes loads and loads of lovely fresh herbs all stuffed up inside the body cavity. Lovely jubbly, pukka, nice one, mate. Fantastic.”
Meanwhile, support groups were forming for those hit by the loss of Gmail. “My life is just so unread right now,” complained one disillusioned user. “If mighty Gmail can fail us, what’s next? London Overground? The world economy? The tatty condom I used with that old fat bird I pulled last night? I’m blooming terrified.”