Web 2.0 Startup Gets £10 Funding Round from Mate’s Dad.

Who says it’s all doom and gloom when it comes to VC funding in the current economic climate?  Wank.io, the hottest location-based, micro-blogging productivity tool, which is in pre-alpha invite-only mode, just secured a 5th round of funding from Mr Trimble, the father of the CEO’s best mate.

tommy the tank

Tommy Tank.io

This investment of £10 still puts the valuation of wank.io at $100m by analysts using a magical calculator made of unicorn poo, endless optimism and pixie dust.  When asked where this money would be spent, CEO Billy Thome said:

“DUDE – I’m going buy 1,000 penny sweets, eat them all at once and then sick them up on the pavement so it leaves a mark forever!”

Genius. When asked how difficult it was scaling spend back to reduce their burn-rate, Billy remarked:

“I don’t know whose money this is but it smells nice.  The previous 3 rounds netted us $10m. I took it out in cash and rolled around in it. I don’t see a reason to spend less. You see Wank.io is like an enigma wrapped in a riddle covered in a puzzle rolled in kebab-meat smothered in ketchup and then fried in beer-batter and served with chips and social interactions.  The money is needed to maintain the orange aura around the building. Your aura is blue. Blue is Web 1.0.

Wank.io is due to come out of pre-alpha and launch to its target demographic, a total of 115 people in the West Coast of America later this year.  Mr Trimble’s investment vehicle, his wife’s purse, sent us this statement:

“Bloody hell, that nitwit William kept pestering us for some cash to fix his bike. I didn’t realise it was for this fucking hare-brained scheme. I’d rather he spent it on drugs. Or porn.  At least that has some value.”

TechChuff is due to close our 2nd round of funding consisting of a KFC family meal, a pair of football boots and a slap in the face. Rumours that Yahoo! are to buy us for $50m later this year are undeniably undeniable.

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