TechChuff Reviews New Dan Brown Internet Thriller: ‘The Lost # Symbol’
TechChuff is proud to be known as the ‘Dan Brown of the Tech Industry’ with our carefree approach to ‘facts’ and enormous donkey cock. While some cack-handed pig-stickers feel reading Dan Brown is akin to ‘paying £5.99 to lobotomize yourself through the eye-socket using a 400 page paperback rather than an icepick’, we are professionally unprofessional journalists and therefore must devote an entire precious post to review Dan Brown’s latest masterpiece and the sack of premium-grade weed he sent us.
‘The Lost # Symbol’ is a cock-gripping page-turner which uncovers a deep and unnecessarily dramatic historic conspiracy around the missing # symbol on the white Macbook I own. The book runs at an impressive 10,000 pages by having the pages only 2 inches high with only 5 sentences on each to make sure you’re ‘turning dem pages like a motherfucker’.
The ‘book’ features Tom Hanks playing himself playing Nicolas Cage playing with himself in National Treasure: Book of Secrets, racing around various Apple stores trying to uncover the reason why my Macbook doesn’t have the # symbol and if it’s just me or are all other Macbook owner blighted with such hashtag fascism. Up against Tom Hanks is the villainous Italian albino called ‘Stevio Jobsino’ who has left cryptic crossword clues on men’s toilet walls and in the stolen NeXT source-code which leads Tom from one sexy location to the next.
As part of the research Dan Brown reveals the broader religious conspiracy to hide the true names of the other symbols on your keyboard; from the ‘Solidus‘ and ‘Reverse Solidus‘ (‘forward slash’ / and ‘backslash’ \ ) to the ‘Circumflex Accent’ and ‘Left Pointing Double Angle Quotation Mark’ (‘little hat thingy’ ^ and the ‘hey read this thing to the left’ <<). Many readers believe that this conspiracy is the Holy Grail to uncover the reasons why Window ME was so fucking bad and prove if Jesus’s direct descendant is running the kebab shop on Edgware Road, because at 1am when we are drunk and covered in vomit the lamb shish is truly God’s work.
TechChuff can heartily recommend Mr Brown’s latest work as many levels of genius above his competition Chris Anderson in the sphere of nonsense toilet reading which makes you hate yourself for being such a sucker. On that note we’re off to go and stare at the Last Supper for hours while wearing a tin foil hat on our head and re-watching vintage Apple keynotes for Free! See ya!